time to smoke my breakfast
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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