i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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