once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
