A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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