There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
