You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I deserve this hangover.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
