how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
