Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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