is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
