Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
