Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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