Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
