you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
