Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
