when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize