I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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