if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
