I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
