a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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