My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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