just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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