well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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