I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
