How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize