I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
