i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
