At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
