my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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