I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
