Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
