i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We have started to decorate penises.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
