You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
