just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
