How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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