you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
