His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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