We're like a lot better than the average bears
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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