the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
