I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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