sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
