I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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