"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
