today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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