evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
