I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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