if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
