I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
