I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
