Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
