I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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