If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
