I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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