I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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