he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
