I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize