can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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