Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
