We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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