I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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